AND THE WINNER IS… by Rick Austin

It’s the awards season, and why not get into the spirit of it and hand out some of our own? These aren’t going to be for the usual things like Best Captain or anything though, because as usual everyone will disagree and nobody will be happy with the results. So expect some thrills and spills as we present the first ever Tachyon Awards or the Tachys for short. Here we go…

Best Bad Parent: This first award had a lot of nominations: There’s Worf, who either palmed his son Alexander off on his parents or took him in only to criticise him constantly; Janeway and Tom Paris could have shared it after they had a couple of mutated kids and abandoned them on a planet in the dismal episode Threshold; Kirk was quite possibly the most absent parent in history to David Marcus, although that wasn’t his fault; Rom gets nominated too, for not keeping batter tabs on Nog in the early days of Deep Space Nine.

The winner though has to be Doctor Beverley Crusher, who let her son Wesley pester the Enterprise crew and then she abandoned him for a year, even though she knew the perils that the Enterprise encountered regularly.

Best Drunk Moment: Deanna Troi could have taken this for getting sloshed with Zefram Cochrane in First Contact. Scotty might have won too, for drunkenly arguing with the holodeck computer in Relics. Wesley Crusher picks up a nomination for The Naked Now as he took over the Enterprise whilst intoxicated. Scotty is nominated again, for drunkenly wandering off with an exotic dancer in Wolf In The Fold. Bashir and O’Brien are nominated for their drunken antics and singing.

But the winner is… Scotty, for getting into a drinking contest with an alien in By Any Other Name. Yes, he loves the Green.

Best Vulcan Non-Vulcan: The nominees here include Captain Picard for his wonderful display of Vulcanism whenever he chatted with Sarek and George Takei giving the Vulcan “live long and prosper” salute at ever convention or whenever the cameras are flashing. Captain Archer makes the list too, with his amazing capacity to hold the katra of Surak.

The clear winner though has to be Bones, for carrying Spock’s katra and making us all laugh by pointing out how it was Spock’s revenge on him for all the arguments that Bones won.

Best Irritating Kid: The nominees in this category are plentiful. There’s Alexander, son of Worf, who enjoyed bullying the other kids in his class and went on to be the laughing stock of the Klingon military. There are those kids that keep on wanting to brain Captain Kirk for being a “grup” in Miri. Toral, son of Duras, was such an insufferable pipsqueak that Worf didn’t even bother killing him originally. And in case you forgot, there’s Wesley Crusher, who was the hot favourite for many.

However, there can only be one winner and it goes to Captain Picard in the episode Rascals. Seeing him as a kid might have proven there was a time when he had hair, but he was the little fellow you’d most want to wedgie at school.

Best Non-Death: Beating the Grim Reaper is no mean feat, and the nominees in this category could agree. There’s Kirk, who did it on a regular basis but used his Kobayashi Maru-style tactics to cheat. Dax is in there too, because while we all mourned the loss of Jadzia we were suddenly introduced to Ezri. Picard picks up a nod for having his artificial heart explode before treating us to a Q-fuelled version of It’s A Wonderful Life. Chakotay earns his nomination in style for Endgame, where he was dead and buried before Admiral Janeway gets up to her time-travel shenanigans.

The hands-down winner though is the most exciting character in Star Trek history: Morn. He faked his own death in Who Mourns For Morn, but made us all sigh with relief when he came back at the end.

Worst Cooking: There aren’t many nominees in this category. Ben Sisko and his dad were both great cooks, while the replicators and food dispensers would provide crews with just about anything they could want. We can’t blame Spock’s reaction of throwing Nurse Chapel’s plomeek soup at the wall on her bad cooking either. However, Will Riker’s scrambled eggs were so bad it was inedible to everyone except Worf.

The award has to go to Neelix though, for his pureed ration cubes in The Year Of Hell. While the crew were as polite as possible, Seven Of Nine had no such qualms and told him exactly what it tasted like.

Best Redshirt Death: It’s been estimated that over 70% of deaths in the original series were characters wearing red shirts. The nominees were plentiful, from characters being killed by salt vampires to, well, just about everyone. It’s a tough call.

But Chief Engineer Olsen from the Star Trek film goes where no redshirt has gone before, dive-bombing out of a shuttle whilst carrying explosive charges, overshooting his target and then getting sucked into the beam of a giant planetary drill. Well, it’s always funny when it happens to someone else…

Best Cameo: There have been many great cameos over the years, from Wil Wheaton both as Wesley in Nemesis and doing voiceover work as Romulans in Star Trek, to X-Men director Bryan Singer in Nemesis. We’ve seen actor/director/writer Tyler Perry, tennis player Vijay Amritraj, cult actor Christian Slater, even Tuvok as a Maquis member in the mirror universe… they’re all over the place.

But the award has to go to one of science fiction’s most beloved stars, R2-D2, for his amazing performance in Star Trek as a blip of space junk that looked just like every other piece of space junk in the scene.

Best Pet: It’s not a dog’s life in Star Trek for these stars! Where would Data have been if he didn’t have his cat Spot to step on his console and annoy Geordi? How would Captain Archer have taken off his shirt if Porthos hadn’t kept whizzing on alien trees? Would Worf have been so lovable if we hadn’t seen him bond with his childhood Targ? How could Captain Picard have survived without his lionfish?

Yet there’s only one pet of choice: the Tribble. They’re not only lovable, they’re an endangered species (if the Klingons have anything to say about it) and can easily be used to conceal bombs. Purr purr!

Best Karaoke Number: A lot has been said about the karaoke routine that Picard, Worf and Data perform in Insurrection, but they still couldn’t get on X-Factor as a group. The Doctor in Voyager could have gone solo though, with his virtuoso performance in, um, Virtuoso. Bashir and O’Brien’s drunken performance of Jerusalem was a great moment, and it’s their second nomination so far. Uhura sang some great tunes too.

However, there can only be one winner, and it’s Captain Benjamin Sisko for his duet with Vic Fontaine singing The Best Is Yet To Come. Especially since it was a holodeck program he didn’t even like.

Best Insult: And the nominees are: Bones, for insulting Spock countless times in the original series; Spock, for insulting him back; Doctor Pulaski, for mispronouncing Data’s name and making him look bad constantly; Tuvok, for mocking Captain Janeway and suggesting the crew gets flogged when she gets cranky in Scientific Method…

The winner is Spock in Star Trek for telling the Vulcan council to “Live long and prosper” in such a way that it sounded like a stream of four-letter words that would make a sailor blush.

Best Crossover: While not a massive favourite, The Menagerie is still a classic from the original series and if it weren’t for the powers that be recycling the pilot episode, the original series would have run out of scripts and the show would have been cancelled. The Voyager episode Flashback with Sulu stands out too, although strangely not as much as The Caretaker where Harry Kim nearly got suckered in by Quark on Deep Space Nine. The Enterprise finale These Are The Voyages isn’t even in the running, and nor should it be.

Ultimately nobody can deny that Trials And Tribble-ations is the winner for merging the original series and Deep Space Nine in the most wonderful and touching way.

Biggest Plothole: There are a couple of special note here… Whatever did happen with Bones’s misplaced communicator in A Piece Of The Action? Why did Q spend so much time chasing after the Enterprise in Encounter At Farpoint when he could have just flashed himself (no giggling) there? Why wasn’t the ridiculously-named Annorax wiped out from all history in The Year Of Hell? When will we see Ben Sisko return, if ever? Why wasn’t Harry Kim promoted even once during his seven years on Voyager?

The final winner here though has to go to… [At this point, Rick Austin was savagely attacked by a herd of Tribbles and is currently recuperating. Apparently Tribbles aren’t quite as peaceful as everyone thinks. Either that or he’s a Klingon spy.]

Rick Austin

Author: Rick Austin

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2 Comments

  1. Hey Rick, great article and very funny! I loved it! Hope you are recouperating from the tribble stampede.

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  2. I loved this too! 🙂 Very funny!

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