Here we are again, freaks and friends, odds and ends, cats and kittens. Time for another episode of Star Trek: The Animated Series. This week we’re taking a look at episode 14, “The Slaver Weapon”, in which we’ll be introduced to yet another villain-of-the-week, the cat-like Kzinti. Given that the episodes for the animated series are hit or miss (mostly miss), I’m predicting this one will be a total dud. However, according to the opening credits, this episode was written by veteran Trek writer Larry Niven, adapted from an original story of his called “The Soft Weapon”. So maybe there is hope for this one after all. I’m crossing my fingers, y’all.
Space — a great big black thing with lots of little white things and maybe some roundish things that might be planets, or maybe not. We start off with Spock recording a log entry for a change. It seems that one of the Enterprise’s shuttlecraft (Copernicus by name) is out all by its lonesome, headed for Starbase 25 with a V.I.C. (that’s Very Important Cargo to you and me, kids). Spock describes it as a “slaver stasis box” discovered on a planet called Kzin (home of the Kzinti, I presume). My first thought is if it belongs to the Kzinti, why not just let them freaking have it? We may have found it on their planet but that doesn’t make it property of Starfleet. When we take a look inside the Copernicus, we see it is manned by Spock, Sulu and Uhura (better than three unnamed crewmen I suppose). According to Spock, stasis boxes are wonderful things — because time stands absolutely still inside the box itself (which I assumed that’s what what stasis meant… something standing or being held still). Spock is holding what appears to be a small recording device (it looks like a hand held voice recorder if you ask me) and waving it around a nondescript yellowish brown box. It could be a box from ANYWHERE, really. For all we know, Uhura picked it up at the intergalactic UPS store. Uhura pipes up that she’s studied the history of the Kzinti Slaver empire but there’re some gaps in the record. She says they were masters of all the ‘intelligent’ beings in the galaxy at one point (does that mean that Vulcans were once slaves? Hmm… interesting thought there…), until somebody led a revolt. Apparently it was a case of “If he gets up, we’ll all get up! It’ll be anarchy!” And there went the neighborhood. Stasis boxes are the only source of information they have now on the ancient Kzinti Slavers. Spock tells Uhura that the Slavers and the ones they enslaved in the first place managed to kill themselves, and intelligent life had to start back at square one. The few stasis boxes that remain are the only things that link the present with the past as far as the slavers and their slaves are concerned.
Uh oh… the slaver box begins to glow. This can’t be good. Sulu brings up the viewscreen and there’s…something that looks like it was made with an intergalactic Spirograph (if you don’t know what that is… go look it up. Why anybody ever thought it would be a fun toy is beyond me, but I’m sure most of us of a certain age had one at some point. Now you kids get offa mah lawn! Damn youngsters…). Cut to a shot of Spock staring at the glowing slaver box which now has a white haze surrounding it. He asks Sulu for their position… they’re just passing Beta Lyrae and hey… look. There’s a Buc-ee’s! Oh wait… no there’s not. It’s just some space dust. Darn. No tasty Beaver Nuggets (which are far yummier than they sound, I promise) for us then. Carry on!
Apparently, the white haze around the slaver box indicates there is another box JUST LIKE IT somewhere in the vicinity of Beta Lyrae. Uhura expresses great surprise at this and Spock says, “Well, we’d better go check it out. Better safe than sorry, right?”.
While they go to check it out, Spock explains why stasis boxes are so valuable. Apparently, they’re just like a box of chocolates… you never know what you’re gonna get. In one, they found a belt which was instrumental in learning how to create artificial gravity fields which are currently employed by starships. Spock goes on to explain that another box was found with a disruptor bomb inside… and it was live. As in the pin was pulled and it was ready to blow up. Because of that, all stasis boxes were decided to be the property of Starfleet (ooh… ok. Now that makes sense… but only sort of. So because one dangerous thing was found ALL THE THINGS belong to them now. Greedy bastards.). He also says that only certain ‘key specialists’ are allowed to handle stasis boxes… which begs the question: What the HECK are they doing with it then?
Sulu lands the Copernicus on what looks to be a giant iceberg. The planet is solid white and appears to be quite frozen. The doors open and Spock, Sulu and Uhura step out – minus any sort of space suit which might protect them from the elements. As in the previous episode, the only thing they’re wearing (aside from their uniforms of course) is a golden glow indicating some kind of protective field. Uhura snorts that she never did care for these little ice planets… uck. How awful. I guess since she comes from a region of Earth that’s known to be quite hot (Memory Alpha says she’s from Africa), she would say that. I’m a Southern girl to my toenails and I cannot stand cold weather. Give me a 100 degree day over any day under 60 degrees, thanks. Spock verbally slaps her by reminding her they aren’t there as tourists… they are there to find the other stasis box. Sulu asks, “Dude… if it takes one stasis box to find another, how on earth did anyone ever find the first one?”. Spock’s all “Duh. By accident, dumbass.” and goes back to scanning with his tricorder.
According to his tricorder, the box is underneath them, buried in the ice. Sulu says “DUUUUDE! Let’s use our phasers to melt the ice. It would be SO WICKED AWESOME!”. Spock’s like “Sure. Why not? I don’t have any better ideas.” but before they can do so, they are surrounded by giant orange cats with red superhero-like masks in pink and purple suits with fishbowl helmets. I almost laughed… pink and purple suits? REALLY? That’s terrifying… and not just because it’s a definite fashion no-no. The cat-things shoot Sulu, knocking him to the
ground while Uhura and Spock just kinda stand there. Soon enough, they’re down too and everything fades to black.
The next thing we see is some sort of ice cave. Spock insists he take full responsibility for them getting into this mess. He was so excited about the second box he was about to wet his pants, forgetting they needed to be cautious about anybody else being around who might want the box too. The camera pans over and we get a glimpse of what is possibly the most ridiculous looking ship I’ve ever seen next to a Ferengi cruiser. It’s bright pink and has twin tails hanging off it with big balls on the tips. And it’s got a saucer stuck on top with a glowing light… it looks like the person who was putting it together totally ignored the instructions on the box and said “Yeah… ok. I like this better. Even though it’s ugly as sin. Better make it Barbie Doll Pink, too.” Again… if the Kzinti are supposed to be terrifying, this is NOT helping.
So now the Kzinti are in possession of stasis box #1. But since nobody knows what’s actually IN the first stasis box, nobody knows exactly what they’re going to do with it. Spock seems most distressed that he screwed up this badly. Uhura and Sulu wake up next to Spock and they’re all standing on what looks like a hexagonal spider web. According to Spock, it’s a portable prison cell of sorts. Oh yay. Sulu asks Spock if the Kzinti are even supposed to have guns in the first place and Spock replies “Well… beyond police vessels… um… no. Not really.” There is some ‘oh no’ music (dun dun DUUUNNNN!) and we get our first real glimpse of the supposedly terrific terrifiers of the galaxy, the Kzinti.
And I laughed out loud. I really did. They’re supposed to be felinoid in nature, but they just look silly, not scary. They’re all hunched over… like that’s going to scare anybody, and those bright pink and purple uniforms do NOT help. One of them even looks fairly pathetic… I wanted to give him a snuggle, not run and hide. Spock says that particular Kzinti is a telepath, and Uhura says that well, she’s heard that all Kzinti telepaths are unhappy neurotics. If that’s the case, he certainly seems to fit the bill. Spock tells Sulu that they’ll probably leave him (Spock) and Uhura alone as they are ‘inferior’ beings but if Sulu feels his mind being probed, he needs to picture eating raw vegetables. The Kzinti are carnivores and apparently, the thought of somebody eating vegetables will really freak them out. Kind of like when I ask my husband to eat a vegetable that’s not a potato. Spock then tells Uhura to just… sit there. Don’t move, don’t say anything. Try to look helpless and harmless. Uhura seems annoyed by this, especially once Spock tells her that Kzinti females are just ‘dumb animals’ and that if she acts helpless enough, they might just forget that human females are smart. Way to be a sexist, Spock. Two thumbs way way up for that. Why don’t you beat your chest and do a Tarzan yell while you’re at it? Spock tries to reassure her that HE values her intelligence, but there might be a chance for them to escape if THEY think she’s stupid. Like that makes it any better.
The Kzinti captain (known as Chuft) demands they identify themselves. “Hey I’m Sulu, this is Spock and Uhura.” Chuft shows nothing but disdain for Spock… he’s nothing but an eater of roots and leaves after all. Humans, he says, are at least omnivorous, which is only SLIGHTLY better. Chuft goes on to say that the ship they’re on, “Traitor’s Claw”, is a stolen police vessel (hence the weaponry). Sulu goads Chuft saying he must make stealing a habit and Chuft is angry at that. He says that Kzinti archeologists FOUND the stasis boxes in the first place and now he wants them back, or else. It turns out the second box is totally empty, but they used it as bait so they could get their paws on the other box which might actually have something useful in it, like a weapon to devastate the entire galaxy. The slavers were known for such things, doncha know?
Sulu continues to goad Chuft, reminding him that out of the four wars his people have fought with humans, the Kzinti have been whupped every time. Apparently, they haven’t learned a thing from having their butts kicked many times over. Chuft tells him to watch his smart mouth or else he’ll feed him to the crew. Rawr. The humans have ALWAYS had better toys and now Chuft wants to find out what’s in that box, to see if he can’t even the score a little. Sulu accuses him of working for the government and that seems to be just as big an insult to Chuft as it would be to one of us (especially right now, considering the government shut down going on here in the US). Chuft snarls back that the record will show that HE is a pirate… not some politician’s lackey. If they’re captured, everybody’s going to hate them. So there.
One of the Kzinti crewmembers flips a switch, bathing the slaver box in a white mist while Spock, Uhura and Sulu just kind of stare. The Kzinti telepath oogles Spock, who merely raises an eyebrow. You never know what’s going on in that head of his. Finally, Chuft is able to open the slaver box and there are looks of dismay and surprise all ’round… at least from the Kzinti. The only thing inside the box is a picture of a really UGLY alien that looks like a cross between a cyclops, Godzilla and a duck. Sulu asks if that’s a picture of one of the slavers, which Spock postulates it MIGHT be. If it is, it could be an important historical find. Chuft also discovers what looks like a chunk of fresh meat inside the box. Omnomnom. Finally, he pulls out a watermelon on a stick. Er… I mean… a gun. There’s a slider on the handle which indicates several settings, and since nobody knows what it does… HEY! Why don’t we play with it and see what happens! That’s a good idea, right? Of COURSE it is. Look at it man… I bet we could destroy all mankind with this thing!
We see another panning shot of the ice cave and the exterior of the Kzinti ship (I still can’t help but laugh at that thing) while Spock makes a log entry about the watermelon-on-a-stick gun. Chuft instructs a crewmember to
move the humans to the surface so they can start testing the weapon on them. He asks the telepath what his opinion is about the three. “Well… I can read Sulu’s mind… but only with difficulty. One is a female and the other? Well, like you said, man… he’s an eater of roots and leaves. They aren’t going to cause any trouble.” he informs him. Purr-fect. Now let’s go shoot them with the watermelon-on-a-stick!
Up on the surface, Sulu, Uhura and Spock are forced onto one of the portable jail cells while a Kzinti crewman reports that the meat found in the stasis box was nothing but poison. Drats. Chuft says that the slaver in the picture would have been a worthy enemy, if that’s what the picture was. He starts to fire the slaver gun, but nothing happens. A random crewmember suggests he fiddle with the toggle, which causes the gun to glow and change shape slightly (now it’s got a pointy end). Chuft points it at the Starfleet group and nothing happens… again. Chuft is clearly annoyed and asks the telepath if their life support belts are interfering with the weapon. “Nuuu…” the telepath says, looking rather beat up and sad. The only thing that’s happening, says the telepath, is that there is a faint whine and a vibration in the metal of his belt, but nothing else. And it’s not even bothering him. Sulu must be thinking of some horrible vegetable because the telepath whines that he’s making him think of a yellow root crunched between flat teeth and this is AWFUL. He doesn’t even want to touch Spock’s mind… it’s just too alien. Chuft speculates on what the thing might be if it’s not a gun. Maybe it’s a sonic stunning device or a communications thingummy. He adjusts the toggle one more time and it turns into a telescope (serviceable, by Chuft’s standards). He raises it and eyeballs Sulu through the lens. The Kzinti crewmember gripes that it’s no use to them since they already HAVE telescopes. Chuft fiddles with the toggle once more and again, the gun changes shape. This time, when he points it at Sulu’s feet and pulls the trigger, it fires. Chuft is impressed by Sulu’s bravery. Sulu’s like, “Yeah whatever. It’s just a laser, man. We’ve had better ones than that for over 100 years, dude.”
Chuft fiddles with the toggle a final time and this time, the gun takes on the shape of a 1950’s rocket… like something you might see in Buck Rogers. Only this time when Chuft pulls the trigger, flames come shooting out of it and he gets dragged off. I burst into laughter because the look on his face was quite possibly one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. He can’t seem to let go of the thing, so he goes zooming around and manages to knock Uhura off the portable jail cell. She takes off running while Chuft flies by the telepath (whom he manages to knock over). The third Kzinti says the telepath’s suit is ruptured and Chuft is like “Oh screw that. She’s getting away! After her, you eejit.” Like all cats, he hates to be caught doing something really stupid. My cat’s the same way… if I catch her out, she just pulls herself up and gives me a look like, “I totally meant to do that. Seriously… I did.”
Uhura gets stunned and thrown back into the portable jail cell while the Kzinti lurch around, all shadowy like. Spock and Sulu are obviously concerned but Uhura seems to be alright. The unnamed Kzinti says that the telepath’s suit was heavily damaged and he was taken back to the ship while Chuft theorizes that the thing he’s holding is actually some kind of personal rocket motor. Maybe he could put his feet on the pedals (I assume he means the absolutely tiny fins on either side) and balance. It’s transportation… not a weapon. Maybe. Uhura is annoyed that she wasn’t able to escape… she used to be much faster. Sulu fills her in on everything she missed while she was knocked out, which wasn’t much. Spock muses that at least none of the settings have been superior to Federation technology… so far.
Apparently there is one last setting… the gun has taken on the form of a… well. It’s got a bulb on one end with two circular things coming off it. Chuft is annoyed there doesn’t seem to be a sighting device (like a gunsight) on it or a way to fire it. Uhura discovers that the portable jail cell seems to have been deactivated somehow and they should run like hell. Spock raises an eyebrow… apparently that setting is some kind of energy absorber. He had no idea that the slavers could even come up with something that cool. And don’t forget… when you make for the shuttle… zigzag. Because everybody knows that Kzinti (much like crocodiles, maybe?) can’t go as fast when they have to zig zag. One two three…GO! GO! GO!
The Kzinti come after them. Sulu and Uhura run. Spock takes a flying leap at Chuft and knocks the slaver weapon out of his hand. He grabs it and takes off for the shuttlecraft. Chuft tries to stun Sulu and Spock but somehow misses. He doesn’t miss Uhura though and she tumbles to the ice unconscious. The unnamed Kzinti asks Chuft why he’s laying on the ground and Chuft grumbles that he’d rather not say. The Kzinti take Uhura and head back to their ship. Sulu is worried they might call for help, but Spock says he doesn’t think they will. He kicked the heck out of Chuft, which would make him look like an idiot in the eyes of his people since he was taken down by a mere root-and-leaf eater like Spock. He’d have to take revenge before he could ask for help… which of course Spock TOTALLY planned that way.
Sulu’s worried that they’re going to use Uhura as a bribe, but Spock reminds him that Starfleet is a lot more powerful than the Kzinti, so they can just go in and get her back pretty much any time they want. Sulu says “Dude… this weapon must have TOTALLY belonged to a spy.” Spock says, “Well yeah… you’re a weapons expert but how do you know what kind of person owned this device before?”. Sulu goes on to explain that because of how the settings work, a common slaver soldier couldn’t have known what to do with them. Wait… didn’t Uhura
say back at the beginning they didn’t know that much about Slavers? So how does Sulu know that it couldn’t have been handled by a common soldier?
Spock theorizes that since it was a spy weapon, it might just have a self destruct button. Sulu argues they’ve seen everything the weapon can do. Spock says “No way… there’s totally a null setting we haven’t seen tried out yet.” Oh. Oh my.
Spock pushes the toggle up to the null setting (how does he know it’s a null setting? They’re not marked with any words stating which each one is, after all), and the device changes back to a watermelon on a stick. Sulu thinks that might be the key to yet another setting… if they can figure out what it is.
Just then, the Kzinti ship takes off, with Uhura inside. Chuft hails Sulu, telling him they need to negotiate or he’s gonna get serious with her. And not in a good way either. Chuft is willing to trade Uhura for the slaver weapon… so hand it over, or she’s gonna get it. Spock orders him to answer Chuft, just as Chuft tells Sulu that Spock must also surrender. He wants to take him out in single combat. Sulu replies that they are not interested and Chuft admits that he’s injured… two broken ribs after all. It’s conceivable that Spock would kill him. Spock says that it’s unlikely, even injured, that he’d beat Chuft. So yeah… we’ll take a pass on the fight thanks.
Communications closed, Sulu continues to fiddle with the slaver weapon until it begins to glow brightly. It turns back into a gun, this one WITH a gun sight… which should not be there, if it is indeed a self destruct mechanism (says Spock). Sulu’s like “Let’s fire it!”, so he does, and it causes a huge explosion. Spock is fascinated, and Sulu is clearly horrified. “Dude… we can’t give them this!”
Unfortunately, Sulu didn’t just cause a little explosion… he caused a GREAT big one. One which is coming right at them. The force of the wind created by the explosion tosses Spock and Sulu about like dolls… er… I mean… action figures. The weapon changes itself from a gun back into a watermelon on a stick, just as the Kzinti begin to hover over the downed Sulu and Spock. When they wake up, they’re all back inside the ship with Uhura, back inside the portable cell. Oh crap. Not this again.
Chuft has the weapon and manages to find yet another setting… this one causing the gun to morph into an egg-shape with several buttons on top. Could this be the self destruct setting? Spock theorizes that since it seems to be emitting power and there is a grid on it, it could be some kind of communications device. Suddenly the thing starts making a high pitched beeping noise and the telepathic Kzinti slides (no I’m serious… he SLIDES off screen. It’s really kind of funny. Like… zoop! There he goes… like he’s on wheels) away from Chuft, clearly afraid of what might happen next. Sulu notices that the Kzinti seem to be afraid of this thing and Spock reminds him that they have folktales of haunted weapons. Spoooooky. Uhura asks if it might be voice activated and Spock is like, “Nah. It seems to be talking to them.” Spock wonders if it might be a tiny computer.
Chuft asks the thing how long it’s been since it was turned off. The slaver weapon doesn’t know. Ok… so what’s the last thing you remember? The weapon replies they were on a mission, but he can’t tell them anything about it… they have to know the code words. Well… crap. The code words could be anything. The weapon can’t tell them anything… not about the mission, not about the stars in the system they were in… nada. Not unless you know the code words. Chuft orders the weapon to tell them how to set it to the destructive setting Sulu found earlier. The weapon replies cryptically, “Twist my widdershins until you reach the null position.” Now I don’t know what the weapons ‘widdershins’ is, but I do know that in English the word is a very old term for going counter clockwise. Chuft twists the device… and it’s a gun again. This time it’s got two barrels and he brandishes it menacingly.
Sensing that the shit is about to hit the fan, the other two Kzinti leave. Whatever crazy idea is driving Chuft, they don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Chuft is annoyed that, like some of the other settings, this one doesn’t have a gunsight either. The telepath remarks it might be some kind of broad beam setting. No way to know unless you fire it, I suppose.
Back in the ship, Uhura is annoyed that the Kzinti have the weapon but Spock reassures her telling her that the device’s computer will self destruct since the Kzinti don’t know the passwords. Therefore, the device MUST assume it’s in the hands of an enemy. Chuft attempts to fire the weapon and it causes everything to blow up around him. Whoohoo. Spock, Uhura and Sulu are saved by the cat-thing’s own arrogance and stupidity.
