When J.J. Abrams rebooted the STAR TREK franchise in 2009, it was a bold move. The franchise was pretty much bankrupt from a creative standpoint, and despite the legion of die-hard fans it seemed like while Trek certainly wasn’t quite six feet under, it certainly had a few nails in its coffin.
Abram’s gamble of changing the whole Star Trek landscape was, to put it mildly, a hell of a risk. One that paid huge dividends, as it turned out, being a commercial and critical success and most likely a surprise even to the executives at Paramount. With the sequel heading our way next year, it’s easy to expect more of the same, but what if some other directors had been at the helm? What kind of Trek could we have expected from some other creative minds?
TIM BURTON’S STAR TREK: Tim Burton has had mixed success when handling other people’s creations. BATMAN was a success despite being clumsy, while PLANET OF THE APES was a cult hit but got universally panned. In Burton’s TREK, Johnny Depp would take the helm as Kirk, piloting a dark gothic Enterprise to a Danny Elfman score. Featuring appearances by Helena Bonham Carter as an Orion slave girl and Christopher Lee as Sarek, it’s fair to assume that the Romulans are CGI but still move in stop motion, making “Ack ack!” noises.
STAR TREK a PAUL W.S. ANDERSON film: Saving money on budget by showing computer schematics of the Enterprise instead of the ship itself, Anderson’s vision would creatively make Spock a woman, played by Milla Jovovich. Aimed clearly at the fans and having a thumping techno-rock soundtrack as hordes of Borg flood the ship, it would be more of a rollercoaster ride than many would expect.
STAR TREK – WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND DIRECTED by SAM RAIMI: Bruce Campbell leaps into action with a grin and a series of snappy one-liners as Captain Pike, showing the Trek before Trek. Highly imaginative fight sequences filmed with cameras swinging about like a drunken sailor having a seizure take us where no-one has gone before, while new recruits Kirk, Spock and McCoy perform a variety of Three Stooges-inspired routines to confuse the hell out of the Klingons.
UWE BOLL’S STAR TREK: Filmed for a budget of only $15 000, the heir to the title of World’s Worst Director would avoid such annoyances as plot, character and dialogue in favour of a “making it up as I go” approach. Starring nobody you’ve ever heard of and featuring cameos from some actors you have that just wanted a free trip to the Eastern European country where it’s been filmed, this direct-to-DVD release is sure to offend even the most forgiving fans. The real profits from the film are generated by the series of boxing matches Boll participates in afterwards, where he bludgeons his critics in a curious defence of his “art”.
STAR TREK part one THE SUMMONING OF THE SEVEN by PETER JACKSON: In the first part of his epic trilogy, Jackson spends three hours simply uniting the bridge crew of the Enterprise without actually showing them getting on board yet. Massive in scope, with beautiful sweeping shots of the scenery, Kirk and The Gang keep getting sidetracked by pesky Romulans but thankfully manage to hide behind trees and logs in an unexpectedly forest-like Iowa cornfield.
QUENTIN TARANTINO’S STR TRECK THE FILLM: With a woefully-spelled title that only Tarantino can get away with using the claim of artistic licence, this ultra-violent romp is divided into segments that tell each character’s personal story. With a wonderful soundtrack cribbed from a 1970s compilation CD, Bruce Willis as Kirk and Tim Roth as Spock lead their intrepid Enterprise crew (almost entirely populated with expendable red-shirts) into bloody battle on the Nazi-inspired world Ekos. Kirk swears a lot, Spock swears more, and Sulu gets into a swordfight directly inspired by (or swiped from) old martial arts movies.
STAR TREK. BY WOODY ALLEN: Set in New York and London, Woody would imbue all of his characters with a subtle sense of irony. More of a love letter to Star Trek than an actual action-adventure, our heroes fall in and out of romances with bittersweet statements being made about sex, death and therapy. Starring Diane Keaton, Scarlett Johansson and Woody himself, it’s a potential Oscar-winning film that some people just won’t understand.
A Film By David Lynch THE STAR TREK: Angelo Badalamenti scores this highly acclaimed surreal adventure of Kirk and Spock as they pop in and out of eerily ominous Guardian Of Forever portal. Changing realities to the point where the audience begins to question what reality is anyway, viewers are treated to incredibly long shots of computer banks with flashing lights and close-ups of Scotty eating pies. The actors playing Kirk and Spock unexpectedly change roles in the final act.
MICHAEL BAY PRESENTS MICHAEL BAY’S STAR TREK BY MICHAEL BAY: The universe ends and reforms in a series of massive explosions as the Enterprise transforms itself into a giant robotic Kirk, and that’s all before the opening credits. Astonishingly making a profit despite its gargantuan budget, the audience is hypnotised by explosions into forgetting all the plot holes. Bombarding the audience with sound and fury that signify nothing, Michael Bay still manages to restrain himself as the militaristic Star Fleet take on the combined might of the Klingons, the Borg, the Romulans and even Khan in a battle to determine the fate of the quadrant. Then the same thing happens again in the 5 sequels.
STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS STAR TREK A MOTION PICTURE: Nowhere near as creatively directed as he could have done in the ‘70s and early ‘80s.
