My thoughts on The Animated Series – The Magicks of Megus-Tu by Gail Gerard

We open, as we often do, with Captain Kirk making a log entry into the computer. Apparently, the scientists who believe in the Big Bang theory (basically..shit came together in the right amounts of things at the exact right time and BOOM! Universe, planets, the whole megillah) think that the center of the galaxy (wherever that is) might still be creating new, never-before-observed matter and other stellar phenomena. So why not send the Enterprise out to go investigate, right? Because NOTHING will go wrong. No..really..we mean it this time. It will be the most boring mission on the planet.

Yeah…right. And my mother’s an Andorian’s uncle.

Spock warns the good captain that they might just in fact run into some unknowns that are “beyond their comprehension”, but of course Kirk takes it in stride. Sulu, like the copilot of an airplane, announces they’ve reached the galaxy’s center and Uhura sounds yellow alert. But just as she does, it’s like there are fireworks going off all around the ship..BOOM! Boom boom! But Spock seems bored by the whole t hing..oh it’s just creation. Big fat hairy deal, right? As the explosions rock the ship, Kirk orders them to reverse power and hold position, but it’s not exactly easy. Waves of…something (they never quite say what, but they’re pretty. Kind of like a rainbow in outer space. A spacebow!)are washing over the ship, knocking it about. Spock begins to make notes of all the hubbub going on outside and as usual, here comes Bones pitching a hissy fit.

“Dude..we’re in the center of the universe, man. And it’s like, totally, tubular.” explains Kirk. Bones is not impressed. Dammit, he’s a doctor not a space explorer!
Something begins to pull the ship inexplicably forward…symbolized on the screen by something that looks a bit like giant hairballs or tumble weeds going shooting past at high speed. Spock says it’s a matter-energy whirlwind. I resisted the urge to yell out, “It’s a twister! IT’S A TWISTER!!!”1 The whirlwind is pulling them faster and faster, past warp 6, up to warp 8 and maybe even beyond if they can’t get the ship under control and fast. Sulu reports that he can’t get the ship back under control and now they’re going warp 10. Uh oh..shit just got real up in here, y’all.

The captain orders emergency reverse power and…everybody falls out of their seat. Seriously..why did they not put seat belts on these things? Spock takes a tumble. Sulu hits the floor, as does Uhura and a random science-division crew-woman out in the corridor. Scotty is holding onto a ladder for dear life and Mr…what’s his name (the one who took Chekov’s spot..whose name I’ve forgotten because he has like NO lines and is basically just background filler) goes flying forward. Scotty manages to reach a comm panel. Everybody, you know what he’s going to say. Say it with me. “I dinna know how much more she can take, Cap’n!” Captain Kirk just kinda sits there, leaning against the captain’s chair while Spock lays sprawled on the floor at his side.

“Dude..like we have only one choice, maybe. We totally have to find the calm center, like at the center of regular twisters.” Spock says and Kirk agrees. They have to find the calm center of the storm before it shreds the Enterprise into tiny little bits. Unfortunately, falling out of his chair seems to have knocked Sulu unconscious, so there’ s nobody driving this crazy thing. Kirk tries to get back up but as he’s pulling himself to his feet, the ship is buffeted again by the matter-energy storm and he falls right back on his butt. Apparently, he hit his head because the next thing we see is Kirk with one hand over his face, rocking back and forth while Spock attempts to assist him. Spock manages to make it to the helm control and pushes a button. What does it do? I have no idea..unlike on “The Next Generation” these damn things aren’t labeled so you just kinda have to trust that they know they’re pushing the ‘stop’ button or the ‘go’ button and not the ‘blow the whole ship to smithereens’ button. Anyway…whatever Spock pushes, it seems to help because they’re drawn down into the center of the storm. Scotty says that even though they’re damaged, there’s nothing he can’t fix provided they get out of this mess.

Spock, naturally, finds this whole thing scientifically fascinating. You can almost hear the childish glee in his voice. Oh goody goody oh boy oh boy! Bones shoots back that at least HE has the good sense to be somewhat frightened. Kirk says they have to ‘ride her through’. Through what? Well..through the center of THINGS, obviously. You know..THINGS. Thingys. Thingummys. THINGS, man. Things.

But no sooner are these words out of Spock’s mouth than the whole ship starts to glow and then disappear, as if it had been sucked up by a transporter beam. It re-emerges in a red, swirling vortex populated by small yellow things that vaguely resemble Frisbees. On the viewscreen is a red-striped planet that, at least to me, looks something like a child’s rubber ball. Uhura, now recovered from her fall, asks where the fuck are they. Spock says the navigational readings don’t mean jack but they are NOT in time and space as they know it. They’re somewhere else. The subspace radio is completely dead, so they can’t even call for help.2 Even the ship’s chronometers have stopped, so they don’t know if it’s day, night, or what (I’m voting for what, how about you?).

“Dude..there is like, no reason for any of this, but the engines are like, totally failing!” Scotty wails over the intercom. No engines, no chronometer, no phone to call for assistance. Oh no. Looks like the crew is once again in it up to their necks. Because the natural laws of the universe just don’t apply here. Bones reports that the life support systems on the ship are also failing, which is very bad indeed. He starts to cough and shouts out that they need oxygen..QUICK! I wonder how the captain’s gonna pull their butts out of the fire THIS time?

Kirk orders the helmsman (who ends up being Sulu seeing as he’s woken up from his little nap on the deck plate) to use emergency back up power but there isn’t any. Everything has been FUBAR’d3. Bones says they have to do SOMETHING as Sulu passes out again. Well thank you Captain Obvious. The captain and Spock drop like flies, Spock pressing a hand to his head like he’s in horrible pain. Suddenly, we see a shot of the ship surrounded by a rainbow of pulsating colors–which means only one thing: RAAAAAAAVE! Er..I mean. Damn..ship’s in trouble again.

We cut back to a view of the bridge’s viewscreen and suddenly there is an apparition of a dude who closely resembles the mythical Pan figure–torso of a man, hindquarters of a goat, little horns come out of his head. Hey..I wonder if he’s related to Mr. Tumnus?

“Ah..humans!” giggles the faun, looking quite devilish. Lovely, primitive humans..dude..can’t you guys do ANYTHING without messing it up? Apparently not. Kirk just pushes himself to a standing position and gasps ou t “Please..don’t stand there laughing. Just HELP us, man.” The faun says “Of course, of course. FRIEND.” and he sounds nice, but I don’t trust him. Never trust a half-man, half-goat I say. It’ll save you trouble in the end.

The faun raises his arms and he’s surrounded by a colorful mist, similar to the one that was surrounding the ship. It’s disco time up in here! WOOHOO! Everybody get on the groove train, groove train.

Ahem. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The faun sticks his hand out, which seems to cause it to grow in size, and shouts out some nonsense word which sets the computer panels to flashing and beeping. There is some dramatic music and another shot of the planet which, at this close range, begins to resemble a large pink and red striped watermelon. The faun chuckles to himself and says “Dude. I fixed it. All of it.” But..but..that’s not logical, say Spock and you can see he’s trying to remain calm as he tries to sort all of this out in his head

“Dude..logic? What the hell is that, my elfin friend?” asks the faun. It’s not the first time Spock’s been compared to an elf…Kirk once taunted him calling him an elf with a thyroid problem if I remember correctly. But everything, logical or not, is working. The faun seems overjoyed to see the crew because he just KNEW that eventually somebody would come looking for him. But who is he? Aside from a a musclebound dude with the legs of a goat and horns coming out of his head?

It turns out his name is Lucien, which is terribly close to Lucifer..you know. The Devil. But this guy is totally innocent and probably not at all evil. Um…yeah. I wouldn’t bet on it. And Lucien is here to paaaartay. He could never abandon those who came to get down. But not on the ship..oh no. It doesn’t have the right ‘atmosphere’. They must come down to the planet and paaaarty, dudes. There is a brilliant flash of light and the bridge crew vanishes while Uhura, Sulu and the red-shirted helmsman whose name I’ve forgotten stare on in horror.

Lucien has transported Bones, Spock and the Captain down to the surface of Megus-Tu where he proceeds to demonstrate his power by whipping up a wind that knocks the Holy Trinity of Trek around like toys when Kirk asks why they were brought there. Oddly enough, for a minute or so anyway, the animators gave Bones a face lift. The voice is unmistakably McCoy’s, but they forgot to add certain character lines around his mouth and under his eyes, making him almost look like a darker-haired copy of Kirk. Weird.

The goat-man is displeased by their skepticism of his world and transports them again, this time into an open place in the middle of a grove of trees next to a flowing river. He explains that his world does not operate like the one the humans are used to..it operates on magic (or magick, if you’re pagan minded). Everything they see was created by magic, from the love potion a woman across the water is recieving from an old hag to the hut being pulled out of thin air by a local sorceror-contractor. Kirk demands to know how Lucien knows them and why he keeps calling them ‘friend’ even though they have NO idea who he is. I’m forced to wonder…didn’t they make kids in the 24th century read Homer’s “Odyssey” and “Iliad”? Lucien appears to be a perfect replica of the Greek god Pan, who was also a goat man.

Although Megus-tu seems like a chaotic place, it’s not, Lucien explains as he draws his hand through the water to create a scene to help him make the guys understand (though what the KKK has to do with it, I have no idea. These guys in their white robes with yellow half-moon eyes are kinda creeping me out). He continues to say that the people are calm, contemplative, thinkers not fighters. And each one has their own special kind of magic, kind of like how Earth people supposedly each have a unique talent that makes them different from any other person. There is no rivalry and no other life forms at all. Wait..what? No plants or animals? How boring.

It turns out that millenia ago, the Megans passed through a sort of gate that links the two dimensions in search of companionship and found themselves on Earth. I guess that means they were playing around on Earth as gods, but to me, that sort of contradicts the whole story line from the TOS episode “Who Mourns for Adonais?” where that other alien dude states that he and HIS people were the Greco-Roman gods. Maybe the two races are related? Or maybe Adonis’s people are really Megans in disguise? I mean, Adonis does say his people left him, taking to the wind and it DOES show Lucien’s people flying through the air like little space ghosts. So it’s entirely possible. Makes me want to play a game of Six Degrees of Megus-Tu. Or something.

It turns out that the Megans were ‘advisers’ to mankind wherever they went, which would explain certain similarities and coincidences in the different religious beliefs all over the world. Dude..what if the Christian God was a Megan? And Jesus…half-Megan, half human? Whoa. That would blow the collective mind of the Christians, wouldn’t it? Of course, all good things must come to an end and the Megans decided to blow that little Popsicle stand known as Earth. They didn’t want to, but they HAD to. Lucien says he fought against it and I imagine him kicking and screaming like a toddler being unceremoniously removed from a McDonald’s ball pit. He was a troublemaker, according to the Megans, but he LOOOOOVED the people of Earth. Yeah..I bet he did. Heh heh heh…a little god on human action? Not like we haven’t seen it before (cough cough Zeus you horny bastard cough cough).

Lucien sighs, “Dude..those were the days.” but he’s overjoyed like a kid at Christmas that the humans have finally come to HIM.

“Dude..if you guys loved Earth so much, why did you leave?” asks Kirk and Lucien stands there, hands on hip, laughing. Ha ha ha ha! Oh you silly human..what questions you DO ask! Ha ha ha ha!

Suddenly, Lucien flings himself into the air and hangs there for a moment before thudding back to the ground, telling the humans they have to get out of there. They need to get back to the Enterprise without being seen, without giving away their presence. It looks like something is about to go down and it won’t be pretty. Lucien stretches out his hand again and zaps them back to the ship, where they stand there looking confused and amazed at the same time.

Everyone on board is fine and the captain explains that he doesn’t have time for an explanation now. They need to get out of there and fast. McCoy, ever not the technical person, wonders how the Megans can’t seem to find them and Scotty explains it has to do with some kind of cloud surrounding the planet, which appeared after they left. Spock and Kirk wonder aloud where the cloud came from, if Lucien put it there and why he put it there at all. What was he trying to hide? What would the other Megans do if they found out about the humans?

Right now none of that matters, because all that matters is that they have weapons and warp drive to get them out of there. Unfortunately, everything is malfunctioning EXCEPT life support. Craaap. On the floor (of a briefing room, I’m assuming) Spock draws a star with in a pentagram, stating this is how the ancients using to draw their mystical symbols. Kirk scoffs..does he really think that as long as they’re in this universe, they can tap into the magical powers too? Well, why not…if that’s what you have availbe, then use it right? Spock decides to demonstrate for the skeptical Kirk and McCoy. He stands on the pentagram and says he will move a chess piece (which is across the room) magically. Oooga booga booga…I HAVE THE POWER! McCoy scoffs..it ain’t logical, he says. Dude..it is too, growls Spock as he continues to try and invite the power of the universe to reside in him. Like the little engine that could, he tells himself, “I think I can! I think I can! I THINK I CAN!”. His outstretched hands begin to glow as the chess piece begins to move itself across the board. WoooOOOOoooo..spooky! Despite this, Kirk grins. Maybe there IS something to the whole magical abilities thing after all.

I guess now that Spock’s learned the trick, everyone is gonna want to try it.Sulu summons up an Asian-looking woman in a long-sleeved dance unitary with little flowers stuck in the side of her bouncy pageboy haircut. Unfortunately, as soon as he touches her, she turns into Lucien who is shocked.

“What the hell are you DOING?” he demands as Sulu draws back, looking horrified. Um..nothing. Nothing at all. Riiight. Uh huh. Pull the other one. Kirk insists they were merely learning to protect themselves, which Lucien scoffs at. Ha…learning to protect yourselves indeed.

“That’s all you guys ever think about…protecting yourselves. I will take care of you, my friends!” Lucien grins at them, hands still on hips. I don’t know why, but that pose with that goofy look on his face is just odd. Like they couldn’t figure out what to do with his hands so he just adopts a fists-on-hip pose most of the time. A voice from out of nowhere screams that they have been found. Uh oh…

“Dude..you guys are SO not gonna spread your evil to OUR home.” says the voice as a vision of demons and gargoyles and other nasties rides in a wave right over Kirk, Sulu and Spock’s faces. “We are SO ready for you guys this time! You are SO gonna suffer.” Lucien looks scared, his eyes wide and his mouth dropping open.

The ship begins to shake and Spock grabs the bridge railing as once again, everybody starts to topple over like blocks in an shaky tower built by a child. Alarms blare and there are blasts of light, indicating hits to the Enterprise’s hull. Uh oh..how is the captain gonna get them out of this one? He insists that everybody stay calm but it’s difficult with the way things are going.

Suddenly the entire ship starts to glow and is ripped in half, magically, before it explodes. In the very next scene, we are treated to a vision of what appears to be mid-19th century Earth with farmhouses and a barn. But why? Then the camera pulls back and we notice that the entire crew is in the stocks. The gold-shirted crewman with no name from the bridge looks especially sorrowful and McCoy just looks downright pissed. On the very end, there is somebody who is probably Scotty but to me looks suspiciously like Winston from a couple episodes ago. The camera shifts perspective again and focuses on a wooden sign that reads “Salem Massachusetts”. So they’ve been transported to something that is made to look like the Salem Witch Trials. Oh great..just great. We all know how THAT ended, don’t we? It looks like the crew is going to be put on trial for the crimes of humanity (where have I heard THAT before?).

In the center of the horse shoe of the condemned is a pentagon with a star inside of it, upon which stands a man dressed in late 17th century gear along with a handful of other people (Megans I assume) who are dressed in similar fashion. They want justice and they want it NOW, but of course the people are the ones who will make the decision as to whether they will live or die. The man in the center calls humans the vilest creatures ever and as a specialist in the ethics of magic, he’ll be the prosecutor. Oh great..this is going to end badly, I think. Or maybe not…Kirk has pulled miracles out of his ass before.

Kirk wants to know what the charges are and the prosecutor points to Lucien, also in the stocks. “Dude..didn’t he tell you what you guys did to us when we visited your planet?” the prosecutor spits out, somewhat contemptuously. He says he was called Asmodeus, the all-seeing. Look into my eyes, he says..look into my eyes so that you too can see what happened last time we visited your race. WooooOOOOOOoooooooo…..

Kirk, of course, totally looks.

They came to Earth peacefully but humans, being humans, tried to use the Megans to gain power of their own to serve their own selfish needs. When the Megans said thanks, but no thanks the humans turned against them and told everybody to fear and hate them. Aww..poor Megans. They just wanted to hug us and kiss us and call us George. And we spurned them, like fair Rosaline does to Romeo in “Romeo and Juliet”. Ow.

So the Megans moved to Salem, Massachusetts and tried to live like other men but they screwed up. They used their powers and were burned as witches. So the Megans fled, tapping into the power left them to get back to Megus-Tu. Asmodeus asks the crowd if they should not fear and hate the Earthlings as Earthlings once feared and hated them?
“Dude..if one Earth ship could find us, then so could another one. And like, another.” shouts out Lucien, despair written on his face.

They don’t WANT to hurt the Earthlings because that’s not their way..they don’t like to hurt anything if they don’t have to. Asmodeus calls for someone to defend the humans and Spock speaks up. He says he’s not of Earth and he calls Lucien as his first witness, since he’s the only one who doesn’t hold a grudge against the humans.

“Dude..they’re just like me..curious, with intelligent minds that want to know everything. Megans are totally alone, enclosed in their own sphere of knowledge. Humans share things, man. That’s so totally righteous!” Lucien explains.

Kirk is called as the second witness and Spock asks him to tell the assembled court whether or not since the days of the Salem witch trials humans have changed for the better. Kirk waves his eyes, replying that they’ve been TRYING to. Of course, they still have their faults–greed, envy, lust, fear. But they have LEARNED to be more open and accepting since those days..learned to not fear and hate those are different than they are. Or at least not so much as they once did. You don’t believe me..check the ship’s computer memory banks. That will tell them all they need to know about how humans have changed over the last few centuries.

“Enough!” shouts Asmodeus, who summons up the pertinent records with his magic. Tapes and papers fly all over the place. The citizens are asked to vote..what is the verdict? Do the humans burn, as the Megans once were burned as witches, or do they go free? Asmodeus states that their entry into the dimension in which Megus-Tu resides was totally accidental and probably (probably!) won’t be repeated so the planet will probably maybe be safe from other explorers. So the humans won’t be punished, although Lucien will be. For betraying the Megans, he’s going to be sent to a place called Limbo for all eternity, to be forever alone. Oh how unfair is that? All he wanted was a little friendship, some companionship. Being forced to be alone forever is total overkill.

Kirk, however, speaks up on his behalf.
“Dude..not cool. Not cool. Lucien didn’t do anything wrong.” Kirk pouts sexily (I didn’t even know a cartoon could pout sexily. But apparently Kirk can..meow!).

“How can you defend him like that?” asks Asmodeus, clearly annoyed at being thwarted by a mere human. “He has another name, dude. Lucifer..the tempter!”

A-ha! I knew I was on to something earlier.

“I don’t give a flying rat’s…we’re not interested in your legends, man. He’s a sentient life form and he has intelligence.” Kirk continues to pout as Asmodeus (which incidentally is yet another name for the devil found in the book of Revelations if I’m not mistaken, as well as the name of a villainous snake in the book “Redwall” by Scottish author Brian Jacques) conjures up thunder and lightning. But he can’t seem to shake Kirk’s determination. Asmodeus insists they submit to his will, because they don’t have the power to fight them.

“Ah but you DO.” Spock reminds him. “Use the force, Luke..er..Captain! USE THE FOOOORCE!”
Kirk starts to glow and lightning bolts shoot out of his hands towards Asmodeus, who is covered in a glowing halo of his own that repels the lightning and he responds by attempting to engulf the captain in flames.

“Like, whatever.” Kirk pours water all over Asmodeus’s fire and puts it out, smoke filling the air. “For my next trick….” I can just hear him say as he conjures up first a wind and then a thorn bush to ensnare the trick Asmodeus. Asmodeus hits him with…a rainbow. That’s right..a rainbow..with wind behind it, knocking Kirk to his knees.
“You can’t beat an entire planet, man. Give up, it’s totally futile.” Asmodeus insists, but Kirk (being Kirk) just won’t quit.

“You’re worse than the Earthmen you fear, dude. GIVE IT UP!” Kirk is insistant. Asmodeus can’t argue this so he zaps everybody back to a restored, non-split-in-half Enterprise hovering over planet. Asmodeus seems incredulous that Kirk would be willing to give up his life for Lucien, even though Lucien said they probably would.

“Dude..I don’t get it.” says Kirk and Asmodeus explains that it was all just a test. They had to be certain of their intentions, to make sure they weren’t being lied to..again. Spock states it was Kirk’s compassion that proved that mankind had in fact changed since the last time the Megans visited earth.

“If any one else visits us, we’ll like totally roll out the red carpet. We’re not afraid of you anymore.” Asmodeus tells him. Lucien is overjoyed and zaps large, pewter-looking mugs into Kirk and Spock’s hands. Kirk looks shocked while Spock kind of stares with a look about him like “Oh geeze..alcohol? REALLY? Vulcans don’t even get drunk..it’s totally illogical!”.

“My favorite Earth custom!” crows Lucien. “Let’s toast our friendship!”
Everything is back to normal and as they prepare to leave orbit, Bones ponders whether Lucien is really Lucifer of the Bible. Not that it matter..or maybe it does. But Spock’s logic..that this is the second time Lucien was cast out and the first time he was saved thanks to humans. Kirk kind of gives him a sideways look at that statement as we go to the credits.

“The Magicks of Megus-Tu” has actually been one of the better episodes, I think, so far. It was at least enjoyable and not totally groan-worthy like some of the others. It’s the kind of episode where I wish, at least a little, that there was a novel or some other fan fiction to follow up on the story. I want to know what happened to Lucien after the episode was over because I actually kind of liked him as a character. I was half hoping that Asmodeus would make him fully human and stick him in with the Enterprise crew. That would’ve been really interesting..kind of like the time Q was made mortal in Next Gen.

Overall, I give this episode three stars out of four for not being entirely sucktastic, for being somewhat interesting and having a good plot as well as an interesting monster of the week.